#I was finishing this drawing between classes lolol as I should

[webonchin]

Comfy⛅

Today I bring the Dreamling ,tomorrow?

probably nothing bc i'm studying (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) so hold on till the weekends ,sowwy.

[boredpigeon]

Bang Chan x reader (smut)

hi. this is purely self indulgent smut because i am in love with a certain mr bang chan and i’ve been in one of those moods 😏 lately and needed an outlet.

oneshot - word count: 1.4k

warnings?: almost public touching?? idk you’ll see,

~~~

it was your scheduled movie night with your boyfriend chan and his band mates but because of various things only jisung and changbin were joining the two of you tonight. you were sitting comfortably on the couch, your back against chans chest with one of his strong arms draped loosely around your waist. jisung sat on the loveseat with changbin on the floor leaning against it. the two boys sat on one side of the room with you and chan on the other which gave you just enough privacy to tease your boyfriend without his friends noticing. the boys all sat fully engrossed in the movie but you had other thoughts running through your mind. slowly turning your head to peek a look at chans face you saw he was paying his full attention to the screen so you slowly inched your hand towards his thigh and for now, just rested it there. you watched him carefully, gauging his reaction and after you saw that he payed no mind to your wandering hand, you decided to move just a fraction closer to where you were actually headed.

a small smile came onto your face from the risky but exciting feeling flowing through you as you continued moving up his thigh, now rubbing small, gentle circles into his skin which was only covered by thin grey sweats. you stared ahead at the screen, pretending to be interested in the movie when you could see your boyfriend in your peripheral vision finally react to your touch. he turned his head to look at you but you just carried on ‘watching’ the movie in front of you, not once halting your ministrations on his now upper thigh. you waited for a particularly loud fight scene to come on when you decided it was finally go time, without any sort of warning you moved your hand straight up and squeezed his cock through his sweatpants - now that got a reaction alright. you heard a sharp gasp which quickly switched to a low groan right beside your ear and you knew you had him. the arm that was around your waist dug it’s fingers roughly into your side which only made your thighs squeeze tightly together. you could feel his hot breath against your neck as he whispered in your ear

‘just what do you think you’re doing, huh? and right in front of my friends too’

the way he spoke in that serious voice you knew you were in for it, which made your pants grow even wetter. you shifted your body so you were sitting up and slightly angled towards him to give you better access to his now half hard member. you used your fingers to slowly palm him through his pants earning a quiet

‘f-fuck’

from your boyfriends mouth. he looked you dead in the eye and mouthed ‘no’ but you simply smiled cheekily at him and continued your movements against his now fully hard cock. in the background you could hear jisung and changbin laugh at something on the screen and you momentarily halted your movements to see if they were going to turn around but then got back to it when you saw they were still watching the movie.

chan once again squeezed your waist and when you turned to look at him the look in his eyes was fiery

‘you’re just looking for a punishment now babygirl’

at that you craned you’re neck down to his face, whispered a ‘yes please’ and without breaking eye contact you pushed your hand past the waistband on his sweats and grasped his thick manhood in your hand, only getting to pump it twice before he pulled your wrist right out of his pants and grips it harshly when he stands up off the couch and pulls you after him. jisung turns his head to look at the two of you with a confused face ‘where you guys going?’

chan still doesn’t let go off your wrist as he comes up with an excuse while trying to keep his voice calm

‘y/n just needs to get some air, we’ll be back in a little bit, dont worry’ jisung just shrugs and turns his head back around.

chan quickly pulls you after him into your shared bedroom and almost slams the door behind him. you stand by the side of your bed, waiting for what you knew was coming

‘you have been so bad tonight - what a thirsty little slut you are, touching me with my friends just a few feet away’ he came over to you and when you reached up to kiss him he turned his head away which made you whine in protest ‘like i said, a very bad girl’ he puts his hands on your shoulders and pushes you onto the bed, you stumble slightly and almost fall back but manage to catch yourself on your elbows. you stare up at chan innocently

‘i’m not really sure what you’re talking about’ at that he fully pushes you back onto the bed, grabbing your legs and pushing up your skirt exposing your clothed heat.

‘look how fucking wet you are, you’re loving this aren’t you’ he then pushed your soaked underwear to the side and flicked your clit with his thumb sending a jolt of electricity through your body. an involuntary moan escapes your lips and you close your eyes as your head falls back. he continues drawing lazy figure eights on your clit already drawing you close to your first orgasm and just as you’re about to come he retracts his hand and stands up ‘chan what the hell!’ you exclaim in shock having been denied the opportunity to finish. he starts to move away from the bed when you whine out ‘no please, i’m sorry baby.’ you look at him with desperation in your eyes as he slowly makes his way back over to you unable to resist when you look at him that way. you sit up and pull on the waist band of his sweatpants pulling them down and letting his dick spring free, the head now glistening with precum and the tip an angry shade of pink. ‘imma make you feel good, promise’ you mumble already grasping it in your hand and despite this being a supposed ‘punishment’ he didn’t have the willpower to stop you when you were so needy for him. you put the head of his cock in your mouth, flicking your tongue over the slit a couple times before taking almost the entire length down, letting it hit the back of your throat and causing you to gag slightly. chan grabs your hair into a loose pony tail and pushes your head down onto his rock hard member, lightly fucking your mouth as low hums of pleasure escape him. you hold onto his hips as leverage as he pushes his hips into you. then as you feel his movements get somewhat sloppier he pulls out of your mouth and tells you to lay on your back

‘i don’t want to come just yet baby, i want you to feel me inside that little pussy’

you do as he tells you and spread your legs wide open exposing yourself to him. he takes no time in lining himself up with your entrance and pushing his entire length in in one go and both of you let out moans at the well awaited contact. he sets a steady pace, brushing your walls in a delicious way causing you to arch your back right off the bed. small moans come from you as the orgasm that had been chased away previously came back at full speed, but much stronger this time. as chan continued fucking you roughly into the bed you knew you were very, very close. with him not far behind he reached down between your bodies to rub your clit in time with his steady strokes and before you could comprehend what was happening your orgasm hit you so hard that your eyes practically rolled back into your head. chan kept fucking your over sensitive hole chasing his own high and shortly after his hips started to stutter, loosing his initial rhythm he was shooting hot spurts of cum deep into you. a deep, drawn out ‘fuck y/n’ was all he could manage before collapsing beside you on the bed he pulled you close to him, both of you now desperately trying to catch your breath and recover from what just happened. when you could finally manage to speak a coherent sentence you looked up at him and after giving his damp chest a quick peck said ‘wow, maybe i should definitely tease you more often’ to which he scoffed and teasingly replied ‘yeah, maybe’.

A/N i realise that in some parts i switch between tenses but i’m working on it sjsj english ain’t my first language also this is longer than anything i’ve ever written for my english class but that’s because i’ve felt very inspired by chan lolol. praise and/or criticism greatly appreciated x

[nostalgiaispeace]

622.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 31

2901. have you ever written a letter to: a friend: yeah a lover: no a celebrity: yes. congress/house/reps: no the president/leader of your country: no. 2902. Why are cigarette companies allowed to manufacture and sell cigarettes when they are so unhealthy and dangerous? same reason alcohol companies can i guess. 2903. Do you chat with people in an elevator? no 2904. What’s your favorite Jack Nicholson movie? hmm...The Departed?

2905. Who should play the part of Superman? don’t care. wouldn’t watch it. 2906. Do you like when your friends and your mate’s friends hang out? i don’t care? 2907. Doritos or Cheetos? doritos 2910. Do you brush your teeth three times a day? no 2911. Should I stop making questions with multiple parts and just count each actual question as a question? i don’t care 2912. What gives your ego a boost? dunno 2913. What knocks your ego down? bullying 2914. Live and let live or live and let die? dunno 2915. What do you think of Damien Hirst’s art piece Mother and Child, which is half a cow in formaldedhyde? dunno it. 2916. Why is it that 70 percent of americans Do Not want to go to war with Iraq and yet we are going to war with Iraq anyway? ummm Is this democracy? no 2917. Imagine you have two choices of what life you can live: One: You are provided with meals, medicine, clothes and shelter. You are always with your family. You can lie in the sun and smoke, drink, play, cook, etc.. There will be certain rules you must follow such as no killing, no hurting others, no leaving the commune you were born in, no stealing, no tv, no newspapers and no books. OR Two: You are turned loose in the world with nothing. You start out cold and hungry. You may stay cold and hungry forever but you also have the opportunity to try and make a life for yourself. This will take a lot of hard work and there is no guarantee you will ever live comfortably. Which life do you choose? both seem shitty WHY? because first has no books and the second i’ll be cold 2918. Why is there no ‘Mr. America’ pageant? who cares Should there be? no. pageant life seems stupid. What qualities would YOU look for in a Mr. America if such a contest were to exist (like miss america he would have to be a role model)? pageants are stupid. 2919. If something offends you do you feel that it has no right to exist? sure. but that’s not reality 2920. Why do advertisers seem to believe that guys will buy any product that a hot girl in a bikini is sitting next too? because sex sells 2921. What would you do if your mom had a fight with a male acquaintance and you heard an answering machine message he left her cursing at her, calling her names and being very disrespectful? i’d call him and cuss him out 2922. What do you represent? myself? 2923. What message does ___ send when given as a birthday present?flowers: nice? slippers: i dunno but i love love it candles: you didn’t know what to get me? diamond necklace: you like me alot? gift certificate: you know what i like cash: you know what i like books: you really know what i like 2924. Have you ever completed a paint by number? probably If yes of what? i dunno 2925. How long has it been since you colored in a coloring book? years 2926. What have you been caught doing? dunno? 2927. Does temptation make you do what you love? no 2928. Do you have an gadgets in the house that you don’t know how to use? What? probably...technology 2929. Do you read the instructions to things or skip them? skip 2930. Will you ever reach your full potential? probably not 2931. Who is your biggest fan? no idea. 2932. Who do you take care of? myself and my husband Who takes care of you? same as above, and my mom 2933. Do you think that lawyers should only argue cases when they feel like the client is in the right? i think they should do their job. If you were a lawyer would you argue cases when you felt like your client was completely wrong? same as above 2934. Is it sexy in here or is it just me? it’s just you. 2935. You are giving out your phone number to a HOTTIE by writing it on a napkin. Do you write a little note or draw a picture too? If yes, what? i wouldn’t do this. 2936. Can you fold paper into anything (a hat, a swan, a boat, etc)? What? no 2937. How can a girl get a guy-she-is-dating’s mom to like her better? i don’t know? 2938. What is one theory about life or anything that you came up with that no one else has? no 2939. Do you like answering questions about: (bold) your life? your taste? tv? music? art? politics? life? religion? issues? sex? loved ones? favorites? objects? math? philosophy? hypothetical situations? things that require lots of thought? 2940. The mortuary science department is having a bake sale. Does this strike you as funny? no 2941. What would you think of a new reality tv game show where real life criminals on death row competed in life threatening tasks for the prize of a reduced sentence? that’s stupid as fuck. Did you know that they are considering making this a show? no Would you watch it? no 2942. What was the last song you looked up the words to? dunno 2943. What Saturday morning cartoons do you like? i don’t have cable 2944. If anything’s possible, then is it possible that nothing’s possible? no..? 2944. What does the T in T-Shirt really mean? dunno 2945. Would you alter your routine if there was a sniper in your area? probably? If so how? i wouldn’t leave the house 2946. Is castration a good punishment for extreme or repeat sexual offenders? just put them in prison and keep them there. 2947. If you are a girl have you ever experienced penis envy? no If you are a guy would you still want to live if you had to be castrated? 2948. Imagine you are teaching a class of sixth graders. A the start of the year you tell them, “If you come away with class and have learned only ONE THING, I hope that you learned….(finish the sentence) no 2949. If you were being interviewed for a job in a clothing store how would you sell yourself to the prospective employers? lolol i wouldn’t work in a clothing store 2950. How do you stop pop up ads? adblock...i think 2951. You are alone. You take a bus to the mall. The stop is right in the mall parking lot. You window-shop. You don’t buy anything. You want to get back on the bus to go home when you realize you have lost all your money. You have no cell phone. All the payphones are jammed with gum. You can not get it out. How do you get the $1.50 you need to get on the bus and get home??? i would ask someone to borrow a phone to call someone 2952. How long would it take you to organize your bedroom? probably a whole dat 2953. Make up a nickname for your bedroom: no 2954. What comes after: I’ve got a love-a-lee bunch of coconuts (diddly dee) There they are a-standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head… 2955. Where ARE the wild things? our imagination 2956. You get a six cd changer for the car, only problem is that you know that once you put in six cd’s you can NEVER take them out. Which 6 cd’s do you put in? oh god fuck you 2957. Let’s play Jeapordy. (Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Dooooo-) I’ll give some answers..you give the questions. Ready? Begin. The answer is: Purple what colour is barney the dinosaur? Yellow what colour is a banana? Candle what’s something you can light up during a romantic dinner? Pepsi who’s coke’s biggest competitor? Peace i dunno Lisa what’s the name of the eldest simpsons daughter? Cotton what type of fabric are most t-shirts made out of? Flag what does america take too seriously? 42 i dont know 2958. Pick a letter. A List some great words starting with that letter: no 2959. Is eight days a week enough to show you care? no 2960. Have you told your parents you love them today? no. 2961. What is the difference between a number two pencil and any other kind of pencil? no idea. 2962. Have you ever cross-dressed? no. 2963. Are we living in a world without end? seems like it 2964. What do you think of that couple that was just on the news who kidnapped a 16 year old girl for a week and forced her to be their sex slave? that’s disgusting. 2965. Wanna watch a movie about a cheerleading competition? no 2966. Are you singing in the rain? no but i love that film 2967. Should the sopranos actors have been allowed to march in the St Patrick’s Day parade? i don’t care 2968. Is oral sex, anal sex or regular sex more intimate? regular. 2969. Is it time to switch to Decaf? never 2970. Why is it that the truth hurts? some people are pussies 2971. How do you feel about: ticketmaster? meh scalpers? i don’t trust them 2972. What are you guilty of? being a bitch 2973. Have you ever done any of the following in order to catch a buzz or get high? sniffed glue: no sniffed magic markers: nope. ate paste: no. drank Nyquil, rRobitussen or any other Over-the-counter drug: no. 'huffed’ (inhaled or sniffed) any kind of fabric softner, cooking spray or other household product: no. whip-its: no. 2974. What gives you inner strength? dunno 2975. ::eyes you suspiciously::Where have all the COOKIES gone? i don’t have any cookies ever so 2976. What is a good gift for someone you don’t like so that it SEEMS to be nice but really 'gets’ them somehow? they don’t get gifts 2977. If you don’t like the service at a restaurant would you skip the tip? they would get a small one Why or why not? because they wouldn’t deserve a good one. 2978. Apples or peaches or pumpkin pie? none. 2979. What Race/nationality was Jesus? Jewish 2980. What was one evening you’ll never forget? getting proposed to 2981. Name 13 ways to look at a blackbird: no. 2982. Trick or Treat? treat. 2983. If you had money to burn, what 'toy’ would you spend your money on (think monopoly game with real money, luxory boat, a train layout that takes up a house, etc.)? probably something harry potter related 2984. Are you having trouble with aol 8.0? LOL what? how old is this. Or if you don’t have aol…have you ever been to a podiatrist? no 2985. If you could write your own ten commandments, what would they be? 1 no 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 2986. When people lose weight, where does it go? don’t care 2987. Your mate/partner/wife or husband/longterm boy or girlfriend/etc. has SOMEHOW gotten his or her FAVORITE celebrity’s attention. Your sweetie has always thought this celeb was so sexy and now the celeb kinda fancies your sweety as well(although the celeb is not interested enough to stick around for more than one night). Your sweetie wants to have a one night stand with the celeb. Knowing that this is your sweeties one and only chance to bang (or even hang out with) a celebrity (ESPECIALLY their FAVORITE celebrity) you would say: do your thing. 2988. Have you ever seen an Ed Wood film? probably? maybe? it’s possible. i watch a lot of films. if yes, what one(s) and what did you think? If no, aren’t you curious to see a movie by the person known as the worst director of all time? 2989. What kind of bread do you like to eat (white, rye, potatoe, grain, whole wheat, etc)? honey wheat 2990. Are you emotionally articulate? maybe 2991. Does everything happen for a reason? seems like it. 2992. Do you take a piece of those you have loved and carry it around forever? yeah If yes, than aren’t they still with you even when you are gone?

feels that way 2993. Is it true that the child is worth ten of the parent? i don’t know? 2994. Can you think of a door that has closed in your life? yes Can you think of a window that has opened? maybe 2995. What does this mean to you: 'Necessity is the mother of invention’? nothing

Do you believe that necessity is also the mother of: courage? idk survival skills? idk independence? idk 2996. What helps you to get over a Major heartache? i wish i knew 2997. Can you depend completely upon yourself? yes have you ever tried? i have to 2998. How can you tell the difference between the end of one part of your life and the beautiful beginning of the next part? i wish

2999. Have you ever read an stories by Kate Chopin? no If not, I suggest that you do. okay

3000. Do you often make the best discoveries when you really weren’t looking for anything (or anyone)? yes

[pretty-volatile]

Journal entry

Thursday, June 6th, 2019 1:40am

So I realized I haven't really journaled in a hot minute and I'm trying to keep track of shit so I know what to bring up when I finally see the psychiatrist.

First of all, only 15 more days until my appointment. I'm still self medicating with weed, but my usage varies day to day. Some days I don't need to smoke AS much, some days I need a lot of help, some days I'm okay but I just want to have fun. My tolerance is higher so I can do daytime use without being affected really. I feel it helps with the anger episodes too. It used to teeter between being helpful/unhelpful for when I was feeling down. Sometimes it would make the overthinking worse because it'd be harder to pull myself out. Lately, I've been exploring my emotions more and being high just helps me open up but kind of numbs some of the pain I might experience. It's more of an emotional trip.

Second of all, I really fucked up this quarter. I'm a 4th year college student and I had already accepted that I need longer, but like. I am worried that I might get kicked out lol. I was Subject to Dismissal ever since I failed my entire Winter Quarter 2018. Oops. Then the next quarter I thought I was going to be able to pick shit back up but then I couldn't keep up so I dropped out of the quarter Week 10 (literally the last week of the quarter lolol). Ever since then I've been trying so damn hard to keep school up while my mental health just kept failing me. I'd start out new every new beginning of a quarter and then by Week 4 I'd start falling behind because I just didn't want to do anything. I couldn't. But then there was a time or two that I was able to pick my ass back up and got decent enough grades to go onto the next thing. This quarter started out pretty well. I was on top of shit til about Week 5 or 6 or something. But I fucking finally cracked this quarter. I had started to pick up on some of my habits, and then I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and I just lost it. I opened the floodgates to some memories that I had forgotten about or blocked out. Everything started to connect and I started to experience trauma on top of present reality. It was TERRIBLE. Still is but like. It was just so overwhelming to recognize things I didn't even know I did or I didn't know that they weren't okay. Then I reached out to my therapist and I was like I think I have BPD. Of course she couldn't diagnose me because she's not a psychiatrist, but she has experience with supper groups for folx with BPD and she has experience with DBT. But she kept bringing up that she thought it was more likely that I have bipolar disorder. I was still set on BPD. Trying to think of all the symptoms that I experience and match with. I was obsessed with proving there was something wrong with me or that I needed help. Part of me was also thinking "There has to be something wrong because if not, then I really am just a piece of shit...." My insomnia has been pretty bad, which the only thing that helps is...you guessed it!....weed. which sometimes it fed into it too so I'd have to smoke so much that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I started to accept the possibility of bipolar disorder too and I was trying to pay attention to my mood(s) more too. Since I was aware of the symptoms of BPD and then later on bipolar, I was starting to pick up when a change was starting to happen so I could warn my partner. At one point my mood was like I was starting over again every single day. It'd start out moderately good and then by the end of the night I'd be breaking down crying about how I didn't want to go to bed just to start the whole day over again. During that time it was EXTREMELY hard to pull myself out of my depression/emptiness. Then once that nightmare stopped my mood switched to being hypomanic for about 6 days. Then right when I needed to get my shit together for school, I started to fall again. At first it was a numb "I don't want to do anything, life is dull, what's the point, fuck it". Then I just became really really sad overall. I didn't want to get out of bed or do chores. I didn't go to class. It was just TOO MUCH but like it made me feel like shit because I knew I needed to go.

Oh and all while I was experiencing most of this, my therapist has been away on medical leave since May 17th and the last time that I actually talked to her was yesterday (6/5 @ 1pm) but it was just for a brief 20 minute call. But we'll be able to pick things right back up when she gets back. I only have to wait 11 more days, so that's good.

Oh and my like impulsive behaviors/reckless shit (for me) was like spending money on food outside of groceries way more than I should have....I got a really bad case of the fuck its and I couldn't really say no because if I didn't buy snacks and food that we didn't have to make we wouldn't have eaten (we as in my partner & I) because of my lack of motivation and energy to do anything at all. I got to use my eating disorder as an excuse to feed into my impulses, oops. Oh and of course I'm addicted to smoking cigarettes and like I smoke weed all the fucking time so I guess those could be some other "reckless" behaviors :P I don't really drink much because of my mother's alcoholism and PTSD. I've had tendencies in the past and when I turned 21 I had a bit of a freak out, but now I'm just like. I'll drink if everyone else is too or if it's for a show or if I just wanted some tall can of yummy stuff at home. Otherwise I REALLY prefer being stoned. It lasts longer. There's not really any PTSD associated with it, debatable but still. It helps me get over the anxiety of dealing with people or strangers specifically. Unfamiliar places with a shit ton of people are definitely a trigger for some panic episode or anger episode. I'll turn into a sour bitch for no reason other than that all the people freaked me out that much. I'm very much like I want a whole separate world for my partner & I and our friends so that we don't have to deal with shitty or creepy people....I like people once I get to know them and stuff but otherwise I'm just like SocIalIZing? Psssh ha...no. That also made it difficult to go to class because I got antisocial as fuck. I LOVE going for walks and doing errands while stoned and listening to music, but like...interacting with people? Having attention drawn onto me? Nooooooo thanx.

Finding out the BPD stuff though weirdly helped me to start talking to other humans again? Kind of? I mean it was mostly me like venting or whatever but I was actually talking to people? (Via messaging mostly) lololol the funniest thing is that a fp was the reason I even looked up BPD. I developed a "crush" first and then later I looked up BPD because I was like ya know... I wanna know. I looked it up once before because there was a time that we thought my mom had BPD. Come to find out, she had bipolar instead. But I remember the first time I looked it up I was like "ha! Some of these symptoms/signs are personally calling me out" but I was mostly looking at it to understand my mom so I wasn't really thinking about myself that much. Plus when I looked it up first, I was still disassociating pretty bad that I wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing or how I was feeling. But when I looked it up the second time... literally EVERYTHING or just about everything that was coming up was exactly how I was feeling or how I have felt in the past. Then I found out about the Favorite Person thing and I was like oof, that's some...that's some shit right there. I still have to sort out what relationships/crushes were actually crushes or just a fp thing that eventually faded away into me not talking to them anymore. That was really fun to admit to my fp that they were the reason I looked up BPD. Lol but we did have a good conversation and like I tried to talk to other people that either understood second hand or first hand. Another person I talked to has BPD, and the other already has mental health issues and his fiance has BPD (so they both understand). Found I am/was an fp to another person that I apparently inspired him to finally go get the help he needs, but like he just had to fuck it up recently by bringing up a touchy subject. I can only imagine how angry or upset he is with me for not responding, which is also why I don't want to answer because I'm too scared with that kind of pressure of being someone's fp 😭😓🙈🙊 sorry bud....just had to bring up something that happened to be a touchy topic 😅

Lately I've really been trying to use music to get me through shit again. Back in high school all I would do at home was stay up, listen to music, draw, write poetry, watch movies, stay up on my phone or laptop. And I was creative as fuck! I've been trying to listen to old music, which also helped me realized just how much help I need(ed) because of how much I would relate to this music and this music was like really deep and really...just it was concerning that is as so young and connecting with what these adults are singing about. It also helped unlock memories. unlocked old feelings. Lots of drifting. But now my music listening is a little more controlled and I used to go on these emotional trips full of memories and just letting myself get swept off into it. I probably can only do this successfully since I eventually said fuck it to the rest of this quarter. (I saved one class but uh unless my professors can make my BPD/bipolar go away then there's nothing we can do.) But like the emotional trips have been really therapeutic for me honestly. Sometimes I feel a little "aw fuck that's all I did today, oops". But other than that it's been helpful. I was also able to draw! I've done like 3 drawings within the like past week ish. Which is more than I thought I'd be able to do. For the longest time I was so blocked off from my emotions and thoughts, I'd feel like drawing but once I sat down it was hard to start it or finish it. Or I'd be able to do like 1 good one every few months. Back in high school I was constantly drawing and even into the beginning of college, but once I started disassociating it was like bye bye creative motivation. Obviously I don't want to take advantage of this burst of creative motivation but like it feels REALLY good. I eventually want to get back into poetry too. I'm actually an art hoe, but when I disassociated I like had no drive to document anything nor the mental capacity/awareness to connect the dots. Which really cramped on me being artsy because my whole art experience is fluid, just let it take me where I need to go. I did some poetry within the last year though. Mainly relating to addiction/alcoholism/insomnia. I'm very much an emotional set type person. It's almost always centered around a feeling or situation that invokes feelings/thoughts.

Okay that's even impressive that I got this much of journaling done, but I think I should stop now. This is long enough and now my thoughts are just kinda scattered and I'm too tired to keep coming back to any points I'm making. This was meant to just be a check in but it turned into like a full on documentation of how I've been feeling or whatever. Whew exhausted. Maybe I'll jot shit down again later after I reread my post later. Goodnight for now ✌

[cutiesaeran]

The Star in the SKY- Chapter 7

A Yoosung x Saeran College AU (You can read this on AO3 here)

CH 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4 |Ch 5 | Ch 6

Once again I find myself standing outside of Seven’s apartment staring down his door. Rolling my eyes, I take that final step forward, activating its security protocols. Today I’m running on ultimate sass levels - I woke up in a fairly bad mood - so I’m actually looking forward to giving the door a piece of my mind. The little black box blinks its red light at me before the robotic voice speaks.

“Please answer the following question in Arabic: who is the greatest friend of them all, the defender of justice for both big and small?

Oh my lord. “You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s your question? God, how full of yourself can you get?” I knock loudly and impatiently, increasing the volume as the door tries to inform me about me having one more chance before countermeasures, blah blah. I don’t care. “Shut up, you stupid box,” I growl, thumping my forehead against the wood in frustration, “and let me inside before I show you what countermeasures I will take.”

Then, as if by magic, the door opens. Raising my head, I blink in surprise when I see Saeran standing on the other side, a look of confusion on his face. “Threatening to take out the security system now?” he deadpans and I can’t help but smile weakly, huffing out a single laugh. Neither of us move for a second, his eyes scanning over me before flickering over to the box. “He does pick stupid questions, doesn’t he?” With that, he steps back, allowing me inside.

The apartment is oddly silent, generally not a good sign. It either means that A) Seven is about to pull some sort of prank on me or B) he’s not here at all. I’m not really in the mood for a prank but I’ll take it right now if it means he’s around since I came over to do the interview for my paper. Running a hand through my hair, I toss my bag on the couch and turn to face Saeran as he’s closing the door. I can feel the scowl on my face and I know it’s not fair to direct it at him because it’s not his fault, but I also can’t seem to get rid of it.

Green eyes meet mine and he instantly holds up his hands, palms facing me with a slightly alarmed look on his face. “He was called into work late last night and hasn’t be home since,” he says cautiously, averting his gaze when my scowl deepens. “I-he was supposed to tell you.”

“Yeah, well, he didn’t,” I grumble, dropping onto the couch sullenly. Crossing my arms, I glare at the coffee table in front of me, cursing Seven in my mind. Why? Why would he not tell me? Seriously, this is so dumb. I need them both to answer my questions in order for it to work. Granted, I still have plenty of time before I need to really worry about it but that’s not the point; he should have told me. A small chunk of my hair falls forward and I puff some air at it, trying to get it out of my face so I can be angry in peace.

A small chuckle catches my attention and I glance up to see Saeran looking at me with a hand covering his mouth. Did he just laugh at me? “What’s so funny?” Stay mad, stay mad, stay mad, I chant to myself, not quite willing to give up on my little temper tantrum yet. Yet for some reason as I look at Saeran I can feel my anger melting away; his red hair is even wilder than usual and the sides of his eyes are crinkled, most likely meaning he’s hiding a smile under that hand of his. The lack of black surrounding his eyes makes me realize that I either woke him up or was very close to doing so, because he hasn’t even gotten ready for today. Which means - yep, he’s still in sleep pants and a plain black t-shirt. Oops.

Shaking his head, Saeran drops his hand slowly to reveal the lopsided grin gracing his face as he looks at me. “Nothing,” he says at first, causing me to narrow my eyes at him in frustration. All that accomplishes is making his smile grow wider still. “It’s just that… when you’re mad, you’re…” he trails off, a light pink tinge appearing on his cheeks. Fingers are playing with the bottom of his shirt, rubbing it between middle and thumb and he looks to the side, a shy look passing over his face.

I think I know where this is going, but I can’t let the sentence hang in the air like that. “I’m?” I prompt, gesturing for him to continue. Please don’t say cute. Anything but cute.

“Cute.” Damn. It. Groaning, I lean forward and bury my face in my hands. It is both my blessing and my curse to be ‘cute,’ something I can never escape even when it’s the last thing I want to be. My whole life people have said I’m cute when I’m mad, which usually makes me more mad and then they say it’s still cute… and the cycle goes on. Just for once I’d like to be able to express some sort of emotion without it being cute; is that too much to ask for?

Silence hangs in the air between us for a while before I hear the scuffling of feet against the floor. Peeking out between my fingers, I see Saeran reach up and scratch his forehead, weight shifting awkwardly from one leg to the other. He clears his throat and then says softly, “I’m sorry if that was… wrong to say.”

Guilt slams into me like a 50 pound hammer and I sigh, dropping my hands and sitting up. None of this is fair on Saeran; not me interrupting his morning, not Seven dropping the ball on telling me not to come over and certainly not me subjecting him to a foul mood that is not his fault. “No, no, you’re fine,” I assure him, rubbing my temples wearily. “I hear that a lot, I just don’t generally like being told it when I’m, you know, mad.” I smile at him, hoping it comes across more cheerful than I feel.

“Ah.” He’s looking down the hallway with a faraway look on his face, almost like he doesn’t remember I’m here. Well. I should probably go home so I don’t take up any more of his time. I need to work off this frustration, anyway; I foresee a couple of rounds of LOLOL in my future. Nothing better than killing monsters or even helping bus newbies around to make myself feel better. Pulling my bag into my lap, I stand up, taking a step in his direction.

Eyebrows dipping when he looks back at me, his eyes flicking from my face to my bag and then back again. “Oh… are you going?” Something in his tone gives me pause; is that disappointment?

Sliding the bag on my shoulder, I give a quick nod. “I don’t want to take up more of your time when I’m not even supposed to be here,” I explain, lifting a shoulder in a shrug. “Plus, I’m not in a good mood today and all I’ve done since I got here is take it out on you.” The guilt increases when I say that and I kick my foot at the ground, dropping my eyes to the side. All I’ve been wanting since Saeran showed up again was to become his friend and now that it seems we’re finally headed down that path, I have to go and ruin it by being a jerk.

“You don’t have to go… if you don’t want to.” Furrowing my brows, I look back up to see him watching me with what appears to be hope etched in his features. That… doesn’t make sense. “Um. If you want to play games, we have some games here? Or if there’s something else you’d like to do…” He visibly gulps and that’s when it hits me just how nervous he is right now. He’s nervous, and he’s more or less asking me to stay. To hang out, like friends.

Okay. I can do that.

I smile brightly at him, feeling some of my ill mood evaporate. “If you want me to, yeah!” My bag falls to the floor and I bounce on my toes, excitement starting to build. I’ve never hung out with Saeran before and I’m super curious to see what’s he’s like underneath that prickly surface.

We end up agreeing to play Mario Kart again, partially because it’s one of the only multi-player games they own and partially because he mentions he really enjoys it. While our characters are zooming through the tracks, he opens up a bit about how he used to play one of the older versions of this game with Seven when one of them had a rough day. It just became a way to destress, to relax and have fun. That transferred over to adulthood once he came back from rehab - a place I noticed he mentioned with a rather neutral tone - and he plays it whenever he feels stressed. No wonder he’s so good.

Unlike the day when all three of us played, Saeran’s a lot more animated as we start to get competitive. He still doesn’t move around as much as I do, but he does lean forward and allow his body to slightly tilt whenever he turns the wheel. He’s also more vocal, grumbling or softly cheering when certain events happen. I glance over to see a look of concentration on his face, his red hair floating over the tops of his squinting eyes, nose wrinkled and tongue sticking just the tiniest bit out between his lips. Some odd feeling rises in my chest, but I just push it away; I don’t want to do any sort of introspection today to figure out what it is. I realize I’m staring when my character beeps for going too far off the track and my eyes snap back to the tv, immediately switching back into gamer mode, zooming around to try to catch up.

We play a few rounds and each time he gets progressively more relaxed around me. Never to the point that it feels like he’s fully open or comfortable, but enough that it no longer feels stiff and awkward. We chat a bit, with me mostly dominating the conversation but him inserting tidbits and answering or asking questions as necessary. I’m very cautious about keeping the topics present-oriented, mostly about school or what we do in our spare time, not wanting to end up asking the wrong thing and causing him to clam up. If he’s anything like Seven, the past is a touchy subject and the little I know of his past would lead me to believe it’s definitely more sensitive.

“So how did you get into drawing?” We just finished talking about what we liked and disliked about our classes, and it didn’t take long for me to notice that anytime he speaks about art his eyes light up. Actually, it’s not just his eyes… it’s his everything. Like somebody plucked a star from the sky and gently placed it in his heart so that when he’s doing something he loves he shines.

A voice in the back of my mind whispers that I want him to look at me like that one day. I shush it and shove it off a cliff.

Narrowing his eyes at the screen, he barely avoids a green shell before answering. “I’ve always liked it, but…I dropped it when I joined a gang. I didn’t get into it again until I went to rehab.” He hesitates, like there’s more he wants to say, so I remain quiet, just trying to get Yoshi to stay on the stupid rainbow road while occasionally glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. It remains quiet until we complete the track - with me not even placing in the top four, stupid level - at which point he sighs and puts down his controller, turning to face me directly. Fingers tapping on his thighs again, he slowly meets my gaze, that shy little smile back in place. “I find it really relaxing to draw whatever’s on my mind. It can be hard work, and yeah, school sometimes makes me stress out over it but generally it’s my go-to to calm down.” I nod; this makes sense. It would be like how I play LOLOL to calm down but if it were to somehow be my job or I had to study it, occasionally it wouldn’t be fun because it would be work.

His eyes drop to the side again. “I… I’m sorry I freaked out when you looked through my sketchbook. I just… wasn’t expecting it.”

“N-no!” Shaking my head rapidly, I drop my controller onto my lap to wave my hands. “I shouldn’t’ve looked without asking! It was rude, I’m sorry.” Scratching my forehead, I look at him sheepishly. “I was just curious, I saw you drew Leia and it kinda… captured my attention. I liked it.”

Saeran’s eyebrows knit together and he gives me a strange look, as though I’m suddenly a mystery to him. “You… liked that picture,” he repeats slowly, his voice full of confusion.

“I think so?” What’s so weird about me liking the picture? To be honest, even though the drawing in and of itself was amazing, what really drew me was that he didn’t choose to put her in the slave outfit. No, she was wearing her outfit from The Empire Strikes Back, all white with a vest, standing regal and brave. It was a perfect depiction of what her character was really about. “But also, that painting you gave me was stunning. I have it hanging up in my room!” I love stars, I really do; my room has a lazy star theme going. Lazy as in I didn’t put much effort into it, but it’s there if you look. Saeran’s gift fits right in, not to mention it’s a gift and it’s beautiful.

“Oh… thanks.” Silence descends between us for a moment and I fidget with the controller, tracing the outline of the buttons as I try to think of what to say to him. He beats me to it. “If… you liked those, would you want to see what else I’ve done?”

I perk up instantly, scooting to the edge of my seat and grinning at him enthusiastically. “Yeah, of course! I-if you’re comfortable with that, that is,” I quickly tack on when I see surprise flash across his face at my reaction. I really need to remember to try to temper myself around Saeran; he just seems so timid and easily made nervous. Definitely not a combination I expected from him based on what I know from Seven, but… maybe it’s just something that comes from what he’s lived through.

“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t...dork,” he says softly, standing and beckoning me to follow. Unable to wipe the smile from my face, I trail behind him as he leads us down the hallway.

I knew Seven somehow manages to afford a three-bedroom apartment, but I wasn’t expecting the third to have been more or less completely repurposed into an art studio for Saeran. When he opens the door, my jaw drops; the walls are populated with various paintings, some obviously done in anger while others have a more tranquil vibe to them. There’s an easel in the back corner and two desks back to back in the middle, one covered in scattered sketches and the other more organized. Saeran makes his way to the back, tying back the heavy curtains to let the natural light shine in before turning back to me.

“So uh. This is where I work.” Waving a hand in a gesture meant to encompass the room, he ducks his head and shuffles his feet a little. “There’s finished paintings over there-” he points at a couple of rows of canvases along the wall, “my sketches are in that mess there-” the desk filled with lots of paper, “and there’s other random stuff littered throughout the room.” Shrugging, he gives a small laugh. “I… spend a lot of time in here. Obviously.”

“Yeah…” I breathe out, looking around with wide eyes. Slowly stepping forward, I head over to the canvasses lining the wall first. Dropping to my knees, I reach out a careful hand to go through them. A ship at sea in the middle of a storm, the bow breaking and the deck cracking; a grassy field filled with flowers and wildlife, the sun shining brightly down; empty chairs at empty tables; the snow melting away to glimpse at some of the earth underneath. There’s so many and every one of them is filled with such emotion, to the point that I feel like I can tell what mood he was in when he painted them. Some are in different styles, most likely experimenting to find what was comfortable for him. There’s a few that are obviously drawn for anatomy purposes, but even those are impressive. It’s very evident just how much time he’s put into this and how much he loves doing it.

“Wow, Saeran, I’m… wow.” Speechless, my brain provides helpfully after I give up searching for the word. “These are so beautiful.” Making my way over to the desk, I shuffle through the sketches there. Many of these are people or body parts, possibly for school. There's several pictures of either Seven or Seven and Saeran, both as children and adults, but very few seem happy. One in particular catches my eye: it shows Seven pointing to someone off the paper with what appears to be a lovestruck expression on his face while Saeran stands next to him but a few steps back, not looking where Seven is but instead at his brother with… resignation? Everything about him here suggests he's given up- slumped shoulders, bent over slightly, head drooping, like a wilted flower. It hurts to look at. I wonder what that's about.

There's some pictures of V as well, but those are sketched with what feels like anger behind them. Otherwise it’s people I don’t know or occasionally characters from movies or cartoons; some business man with a cat appears a few times, the same cat I saw in some pictures with Seven. Interesting. Maybe I'll ask sometime.

I wish I could draw like this. “You can.” Startled, I lift my head to see Saeran standing on the other side of the desks, watching me with interest.

“Did… did I say that out loud?” I ask, mildly horrified. He nods and I groan, covering my face. “Why am I like this…”

The sound surprises me at first when I hear it. At first it's a giggle, like the one from earlier but freer, but it quickly changes into a full belly laugh. Dropping my hands slowly, I look up to see Saeran leaning over, one palm on the desk supporting him while the other is clutching his chest. I feel like I should be offended that he's laughing, but strangely enough, I'm not. The look on his face is amused and almost happy, and his laugh is pitched much higher than I'd ever imagined for him. It suits him, strangely enough. I break out into a grin watching him. He looks perfect like this.

Gradually he calms down, shaking his head before glancing back up at me and there it is, the light is shining out of him while he's looking at me. My heart skips a beat.

“Sorry, I couldn't help it,” he apologizes, giving me a lopsided smile that I want to see on his face constantly. Lifting his palm off the table, he cards both of his hands through his hair, eyes flitting around the desk in front of him as though in search of something. “You said that like it's terrible, like all those little things that make you Yoosung are embarrassing. But you're wrong.” His eyes meet mine for a second before he's back to searching the desk. The sound of paper rustling is the only noise in the room until he pulls out what looks like another sketchbook. Setting it down before him, he flashes me a pointed look, eyebrows raised. “Would you like to learn? I can show you the basics.”

It's surprising that I don't knock anything over in my rush to get around the desk, bouncing on my toes with my bottom lip pulled between my teeth in excitement. Saeran chuckles and motions to the chair. “I'll take that as a yes.”

Sitting down quickly, I scoot up and then look at him expectantly, not sure what to do next. He laughs again. “That’s a new sketchbook. Just open it and grab one of those pencils and I’ll give you tips as you go.” Okay. I can do this.

I flip the black cover of the book open, staring down at the off-white page apprehensively. I’ve never been confident enough to try to draw, but it’s been a passive interest just sitting in the back of my mind. I’m curious to see how a picture will turn out with Saeran guiding me. He’s got an array of different pencils in a cup, and after some study, I choose a simple mechanical one, glancing up at him. He nods. I put the pen to the paper and… freeze.

“What do you want to draw?” he prompts, leaning on the desk next to me, staring at where the point of the pencil is touching the paper. “Just pick the first thing that comes to mind.”

The first thing that comes to mind… “Rika,” I say quietly, smiling a little. “I’d like to draw my cousin.”

Saeran stiffens immediately, pulling back and staring at me with furrowed eyebrows, his expression dark. I’m not sure what I did to cause this reaction, but before I can ask he reaches up and violently rubs his hair, shutting his eyes and rolling his neck. When he opens them again, the green is back to the blank look I’m used to seeing there, but… not what I’d seen earlier today. Somehow I managed to take several steps back by just saying I want to draw cousin.

“Okay,” he says simply, motioning toward the paper. “Draw a circle where you want the head to be.” And so it starts with me slowly doing as he says, constantly stopping and erasing. I bite my tongue in concentration as I slowly work up the basic frame of the body, changing things when he tells me to. Eventually that part’s done and if I squint at it, it looks kinda like a decent approximation of a human.

“Good job,” he says, smiling. It’s good to see him smile again but it’s still tight, like he’s still upset about something. “Now you need to work on making it look like a body instead of several different parts.” So I start sketching again, trying to transform the random circles and ovals into something closer to an actual body with Saeran interjecting tips randomly.

“Make the shoulders softer; they don’t come to a point like that.”

“Good job on the abdomen, but don’t forget that she had hips.”

“You’re too stiff, loosen up so you don’t hurt yourself.”

“Yoosung,” Saeran says at one point after I’m starting to work on clothes, “remember, you need to move from your elbow, not your wrist.” I let out a frustrated noise; he’s told me this over and over again but I can’t seem to do it to his satisfaction. Focusing, I try again. “No,” he says, suddenly leaning over and latching onto my wrist. “You’re still moving this too much.” He shakes it gently, eyes looking at me seriously. “Use your elbow to propel your hand where you want it to go.” Still holding on, he tilts his head at the paper to tell me to keep drawing. My mind doesn’t want to cooperate; it’s completely focused on where his fingers are wrapped around my wrist, sending little currents of electricity skittering across my skin. Why, though? Why does it feel this way? “Yoosung,” he gently urges and I exhale forcefully, trying to turn my attention to the paper again. It halfway works, enough that I can start moving the pencil again. He leaves his hand there, keeping my wrist mostly stationary and forcing me to use my elbow as I sketch out a dress.

“Saeran! You’ll never guess who just called me, I…” We both jump and turn to the doorway when Seven enters, his eyes wide and his mouth open. Saeran releases me as though it suddenly burns to touch me, moving a few steps away and averting his eyes completely from his brother. The air feels like it’s thickening again, similar to how it was the day Seven was trying to convince me to kiss him.

“Yoosung,” Seven says flatly, face devoid of any emotion. “You’re here.”

Dropping the pencil, I let out a frustrated sigh and glare at him, crossing my arms over my chest. “Yeah? Someone forgot to tell me that he wasn’t going to be here, so I showed up?” I huff, narrowing my eyes at him. “For me supposedly being your best friend, you sure never think to tell me things. At least your brother was nice enough to offer to hang out with me since I was already here.”

“Yoosung, please, don’t,” Saeran whispers, and I glance back to see him looking at me with pleading eyes. What in the world is happening? These two seem fine with each other most of the time but for some reason whenever I’m around, things get intense real quickly.

“Is that what you think.” Seven’s still got that blank look on his face, and it’s actually starting to creep me out a little. “Would you prefer Saeran be your best friend?”

I do a double-take at his words. “What? That’s not what I said… why are you being like this?”

Shaking his head, Seven moves out of the doorway. “Yoosung, please leave.” His voice is thick, heavy, like he’s holding back a dam of emotion that’s about to burst at any moment. But the look he casts me as he says it hurts. It’s anger and betrayal. Why would he feel that way?

“Fine.” I stand up, all my frustration returning in one fell swoop as I march toward the door. I turn before I exit and look right at Saeran, noticing how he’s still not looking at either of us. “Thank you for showing me how to draw, Saeran. It was fun.” Ducking around Seven I race out into the living room to grab my bag and leave, heart thumping loudly.

What the hell is going on?

[mystiicalmess]

HEADCANON: RFA and MC died, and meet again in their reincarnated life.

aka the headcanons no one asked for.

the prominent religion in Korea is Buddhism, and they teach reincarnation. 

i divided up each one into three sections: how they died, in the tearoom & how they met again

how they died: as the title states, how they died in the tearoom: the place where they met once more before going to the afterlife/reincarnation how they met again: in their second life

Yoosung:

how they died:

he died happily of old age after a long life with MC

they had a great long life!!!

he retired to a home in the countryside

their dog was named Lucky

they made apple pie using freshly picked apples from their tree backyard every week

*gross sobbing*

But Yoosung knew MC’s death was approaching soon

she was tired more than usual

and Lucky cuddled with her more

then came the day when MC passed away peacefully surrounded by her children and grandchildren

he held her hand until that time came, just whispering about anything

but she was too tired to talk too loudly

he passes away too a day later

their eldest child reads an eulogy at their funeral about how they were always star crossed lovers

a match made in heaven

*gross sobbing pt. 2*

in the tearoom: 

he lived a good life

he met the love of his life

had children

grandchildren

he only wished that the time was longer

as the reaper brought them their tea, he held onto mc’s hand 

his only wish was for them to be together in heaven and the next life

how they meet again:

honestly yoosung was thinking of suicide

he’s been raging on LOLOL all night and completely forgot about the midterm paper that was due in less than three hours!!!!

he quickly exited LOLOL and ran to the school library

laments his pitiful life over empty cans of Red Bull and sitting in front of his blank computer screen

sobs (4x)

it was only when he saw another girl on three computers down from him sobbing too

he recognized her from his class

what was she doing at the library at four in the morning

“Yoosung?”

“haha nice to see u here”

“is it that paper for Professor Lee?”

ohmY GOD DID YOU PROCRASTINATE TOO?!?!

Zen:

how they died:

all dat smoking and drinking will catch up to u

zen had lung cancer

death was imminent 

they spent their last days being together

he wasn’t going to live his last days in chemotherapy and in constant pain especially when his chance for survival was low

mc used her savings to take a vacation in new york

saw all the broadway shows in one week

but evidently and of course, zen did die

although mc did bore a child with him- a daughter like he always wanted

she raised their daughter

she lived a long life

looking after her daughter, grandchildren, and expecting great-grandchildren

mc died of old age

 in the tearoom:

mr reaper said that zen was on his way to the tea room

and thus, mc met zen one more time

the first time in seventy years

he told her she still looked beautiful even after the years took a toll on her

she cried as he still looked young and beautiful

and he asked her to watch broadway shows with him in heaven once more

just until they moved onto their next life

how they met again:

zen was thinking of becoming an actor

it was his calling

but nah

he settled to become a doctor

a pulmonologist

honestly a fancy word for lung doctor

but zen was flashy like that

the schooling was goddamn terrible to say the least

he did graduate though and land a residency at Seoul National University Hospital

only one of the best hospitals in Korea

one day at work they get an emergency patient for pneumonia

her fever reached fricking 40C

they quickly stabilized her

and he was chosen to shadow the doctor monitoring her health though

fuck yea

a good paying job while watching over this insanely cute girl

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jaehee:

how they died:

she and mc retired to a beach house

forty years working for the coffee shop was good enough

they passed the shop onto their daughter

they took walks together on the beach every morning

mc made pancakes every sunday morning

it was a happy retirement

just living life peacefully 

but there’s a saying that old people know when their death is approaching

jaehee went to bed one night when it suddenly struck her

she knew

she put on her best clothes

brushed her white hair

and sprayed a bit of perfume on her wrist before sitting in the rocking chair when she passed

mc continued on for another couple months before passing on too from a broken heart.

in the tearoom:

when mc died, jaehee was there to walk with her to heaven

the stairway was long

its better to have a companion

it would be just like their daily walks along the shoreline

mr reaper commented on how nice it was

sometimes, deceased people come to the tearoom to meet with their beloved again

but never arrive as they lost their way

jaehee and mc walked hand in hand up the stairway

the walk was long but felt too short in each others presence.

how they met again:

maybe jaehee didn’t get along well with her other classmates

it wasn’t her fault that stupid eunbi wouldn’t give her the red crayon

she pouted her big chubby cheeks, sulking in the corner

“jaehee!”

jaehee looked up and saw the grinning mc

she knew this girl

mc, the one known for always getting into scuffles with the other kids

even now, mc had twigs and leaves stuck in her hair, her once pretty green shirt now ripped and torn

mc offered a red crayon with a toothless grin

“draw with me!”

Jumin:

how they died:

they were young

jumin took her out to a special evening- a special dinner just between the two of them

but the night was pouring and he should have paid more attention on the road

it was one careless mistake that cost him her life

he woke up in the hospital, hooked up to the iv, dazed and in confusion

his father was asleep in a nearby chair

but his mind immediately thought of mc, as he stumbled out of bed walking out of the room only gripping onto the iv stand for support

he wasn’t as stupid as the movies- ripping out an iv cord was not smart

better bring it along

luckily mc was in the room next to him

unluckily he got there just as the doctors gently pulled up a white sheet over her face

then he saw red

he lunged for the nearest doctor, ripping out his iv cord in the process

“how could you pronounce an alive person dead?!”

tears flooded his eye, grabbing onto mc’s hand

he was losing a lot of blood by now

“please don’t leave me...”

but jumin soon recovered and went home

it felt emptier without mc

buried himself into work

until on a day where it was nice enough

on a day where it was beautiful enough

on a day where she would have been shining wonderfully

he crashed his car into a streetlamp

to finish what he started

in the tearoom:

he wandered as a ghost for years

his regret carried over, and ghosts cannot move on without letting go

jumin watched the times tick on, eventually become an urban legend

the man who brought red roses to a grave of a girl who’s been dead for over a hundred and fifty years

the same man

every year

on the same date

a day came though when he went to the tearoom

those who commit suicide cannot go to heaven or be reincarnated

they are only reborn as grim reapers themselves

how they met again:

jumin had lost all his memories of his past life the day he became a grim reaper

but being a grim reaper wasn’t easy

he still had to eat like a normal human

he still had to sleep like a normal human

he still had to get a house like a normal human

and then he met her

she was shining beautifully in the winter snow

his new landlord

she laughed at his oblivious nature

and he hadn’t even realized he fell in love

but she was a human and he was a reaper

a love not meant to be

but perhaps when his penance was over, they could meet again in their next life

Saeyoung: 

how they died:

he was dangerous

he should have known

and yet she still took the bullet for him when the hacker from another agency found him

he took her in his arms and ran as fast as he could to the hospital

she was as weightless as a feather

and his legs ran faster than he ever would in his entire life

he screamed for the doctors as he arrived, not even realizing he was crying

he stayed with her the entire night

but she only woke up once

“I’m sorry, my love...”

and passed away

to the mc who brought light to his life

who was always radiantly grinning

he stood at mapo bridge, suicide bridge, gasping for air

when she died he did the only thing he knew how to do- run

he sobbed for his lost love, gripping tightly onto his chest

saeyoung screamed at God

he devoted his life to the church and yet this was how it turned out.

at the tearoom:

saeyoung wandered the earth like jumin

those who committed suicide were sinners

they threw away god’s gift of life

he avoided mc’s grave and everything to be associated with her

he didn’t deserve her

but he tried to be a happy ghost

pranking yoosung

sneaking into jumin’s apartment for elizabeth

but time caught up to them and they all died

some even reincarnated with no memories of him

he was left all alone

in a world without time

but then god called him out of his punishment to receive another

become a reaper and lead other deceased souls to the afterlife

never being able to go there on his own.

how they met again:

reapers are tormented souls with no memories of their past life

but they know one thing

they committed a ‘grave sin’ to become one

saeyoung was too afraid to find out what his sin was

even though all of their sin were the same

no one knew that

he lead many to the afterlife happily

but some led evil lives and he had to make some adjustments

he met mc in a large scale bus accident 

the city bus had collided into another car

in which another car crashed head on into the accident scene

and many more

a tragic loss of deaths

he and his colleagues were taking one soul each

and he took mc

“MC, 19 years old, born 20XX on XX, died in a bus accident. can you confirm?”

but she was too scared of death and ran away

in which case he had to file a missing soul paperwork, and had to find her himself

but he found out about his past life and his ‘grave sin’ when looking into her own past life

maybe in a different timeline

they would meet again in a different circumstance

but for now, he watched her live her life as an immortal ghost

as he was an immortal reaper

forever peacefully, watching in a world where time had stopped for the both of them.

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

Practically Impractical

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Part 24

By her count Jumin had called 25 minutes into her timer. 

“I’m incredibly sorry,” he sounds nervous.  “I have a meeting right now, I’ve been trying to move it but my father will be there and there is no way I can find—please do not come here, I promise I will come to see you this evening if I can, I am supposed to also see my father for dinner, if I cannot postpone I will see you first thing in the morning.”

“Jumin.”

“I promise,” he almost shouts.

“Don’t cancel your evening with your father, call me afterwards and come see me in the morning.”

She feels better, just knowing that she will see him, hearing his voice, it eases something inside her.  Hyun lectures her so she sends him to Surana’s studio and calls Saeyoung.

“Babe,” he says when she tells him what happened; she can almost see him smiling.  “Do you want me to visit tonight?  Max has Judo, I could make some time.”

“Nah, you’ve got work to do.  It feels like a weight’s been lifted you know?  Plus I can shower by myself now, so I’ve got that going for me.”

He laughs.

Yoosung stops in after class with some books his mother suggested but he has plans on LOLOL and can’t stay.  Zen calls later, Surana refuses to call him by any actual names and constantly infantilizes him, Callie is not surprised.  Jaehee stops in on her way home from work, she brings takeout with her, she smiles and laughs and leaves to take Max to Judo.  She promises to send pictures.  Saeyoung texts her a photo of Jaehee picking Max up, and then a photo of himself in a sea of empty soda cans, and then a picture of Saeren in a blanket burrito playing an otome game on his phone.

She plugs her phone in and sits at the piano.  Everything is always more challenging after physio, she plays through some scales but after a few stumbling attempts she gives up.  She paces the room and goes to the cases she keeps at the window, her sticker covered Ukulele, the beautiful martin in its pristine case, she’d sent the teal Gibson home, and there on the window sill was the navy violin case. 

She runs a hand over it, ghosts of ancient sharpie doodles can barely be seen on the case, signatures, phrases, and one faded sticker that had once been holographic.  The charms on the handle clack against one another when she opens the case.  Had anyone cared for her while they were separated?

She takes the bow out of the case and she’s already tightened it before she even realizes it, she see’s tucked away in the case a jar of rosin and she runs it along the bow.  It’s been so long but it feels as if she’s never stopped.

 She lifts the violin out of the case, it smells the same, like Mrs. Lee’s music studio and that fruity body wash everyone used in high school.  She lifts the violin to her chin; it takes more effort than she’d like to admit to bring her bow arm high enough to draw across the strings.

She cringes, it’s out of tune, because of course it is, how long had Wyatt and Martin even had it?  She’d sold it 11 years ago.  She fiddles with the pegs, strums a string, and tries again. At the very least she can tune her before she puts her away.

A nurse brings her the next dose of pain killers and muscle relaxers, and she picks up one of the books Yoosung had brought her.  She grabs the plush blanket from home and curls up in the softest chair by the window to read, it will be late when Jumin calls.

Somewhere in the groggy dimness of her mind she thinks she hears her phone, she curses under her breath at having fallen asleep in the chair.  The sound is persistent, and decidedly not phone like.  She stifles a yawn and opens her eyes.

It takes her a minute, she’s still dumb with sleep but she recognizes Mozart’s violin concerto number 3, and the figure of Jumin illuminated by the lights of the city beyond her window.  His back is to her and she watches him pull the bow across the strings, soft and fluid, the violin sings out in a way she’d never been able to accomplish.

The lights in the room are out, not even the lamp she’d been reading by was left on and she wonders how long he’s been here with her, in the dark.  What had made him want to play?

She pulls the blanket tight around her shoulders and tries to stand quietly, she doesn’t want to startle him, doesn’t want him to stop but she desperately wants to be closer to him.  The chair lets out a groan when she stands and his head tilts towards her, he doesn’t look, doesn’t stop and she breathes a sigh of relief.

She reaches out tentative fingers, she needs to touch him, make sure he’s real and she can hear the way he jerks the bow when she makes contact but he continues to play.  Her hands reach around his waist, she’s making it difficult for him but she doesn’t care anymore, her face is pressed between his shoulders and he’s trapped inside the soft blanket with her while he finishes playing the song.

He puts the violin back in its case, and she listens to the soft plastic clack of the charms on the handle, the snap of the clasps.

“What happened to dinner with Mr. Chairman?” She says into the fabric of his waistcoat

He turns around then, her arms still holding the blanket around him.  “He insisted I come here instead, but you were sleeping, and I’m not sure why but when I saw your violin I felt as if I had to play it.  I hope I didn’t wake you.”

She smiles.  “No, it’s ok, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“Never the less, you should sit down.”  He looks worried, she wobbles, knees weak from being sat on.

She sits heavily in one of the window chairs and he kneels in front of her, he takes her injured hand in his and she squeezes his fingers. “Still works, it just has trouble listening sometimes.”

“Like Saeyoung,” he says with a small smile, his fingers traveling up her arm.

“Is it a dangerous arm?” She laughs.

He chuckles and gently lets her arm rest in her lap.  He touches her face where the bruise has faded to yellow; he slides the strap of her tank top off her shoulder and runs his thumb over her surgical scar, his hand hovers over the stitches on her face.  “I did this.”

“No you didn’t,” she sighs.

“I did,” he says softly and kisses her forehead by the stitches.  “My tie pin caused this.”

“What?” She says a little stunned.  “I mean, really?  It was kind of a mystery.”

“I think so, when I examined my things from that night, it seemed likely.”

“Gross,” she laughs.  “You know your Dad came to see me.”

“I am aware.”

“You don’t like that your father is fond of me, do you?”

“I am indifferent, what I do not like is when my father attempts to manipulate me into behaving the way he would behave.”

“You mean he thought if he brought me a ridiculous gift and visited me in the hospital you would feel obligated to do the same.”

“It is ridiculous isn’t it?  But you seem to appreciate it.”

“He was very clear that I didn’t have a choice in the matter so I’ve embraced it.  He said your injuries we’re similar to mine, and Zen said your arm was kind of messed up, so come on.  I’ve shown you mine, it’s your turn.”

“There was a sprain in my wrist, it was quite minor.”

She touches his face. “We had matching bruises, Mr. Han.”

“We were thrown against one another,” he says almost scolding her for her tone.  He rolls up his sleeve, pink skin puckers around black scabs in patches from his wrist up past his elbow.

“Jumin,” she says softly and slides off her chair onto the floor where he’s kneeling.  “Why didn’t you come sooner?”

“I couldn’t,” he whispers.

“Jumin.”

“I was selfish, and you were hurt.  I don’t deserve this understanding you seem to have.”

“How were you selfish, we were hit by some kid, it was an accident; no one was at fault except the rain.”

“I was jealous, and I wanted you to myself just once before we left, if I hadn’t— If I’d let go of your hand, if I hadn’t tried to kiss you.”

“Jumin, none of those things caused the accident, it happened so fast. It’s not like you knew we were going to get hit, and I could have been just as hurt in the car.”

“But you were not in the car.”

“Jumin, this isn’t as bad as you seem to think it is.  This injury?  I’ve dealt with this before.  I mean this is as bad as it’s ever been but I’m already through the worst part.  I’ve done all of this before.  They’ve never had to go in and reattach anything but my range of motion is twice what they expected.  I could do the physio exercises in my sleep.”

“That is not how your charts read, Calliope,” he frowns.

“Of course not, because none of these doctors have any access to my medical history, it’s all with my doctor in the states still.  Of course it looks grim but I shouldn’t even be able to play more than chopsticks.  I mean it’s not perfect, my fingers respond slowly, and I still can’t lift my arm very high, but I’d be at home if everyone wasn’t afraid of you.”

“You what?”

“You heard me,” she frowns.  “If you weren’t demanding reports and insisting I’m made of glass I could be home.”

He laughs.  “I’ve made sure you had a very comfortable room and I do get reports but I’ve not asked anyone to presume that you’re fragile.”

She does not laugh.  “It’s not Saeyoung, not that I’d put it past him, but that one doctor specifically said that they had orders not to let me discharge myself and Saeyoung would have been in the server adjusting my files not threatening doctors.” She stands and walks across the room, sits at the piano, and frowns into her sheet music.

He follows her, his laugher deepens.  “You don’t think,” he chokes out before he starts laughing again.

“Don’t think what?”

He manages to get control of himself.  “You did say my father is rather fond of you.”

“No,” she says hands dropping to the keyboard with an ominous sound.  “No, I mean really your Dad is threatening my doctors? That can’t be right.”